Americans Certainly Do Love Their TT’s: A Marxist Lesson for the Right

My wife had a baby ten weeks ago and as a consequence we both learned some important lessons about tits. Earlier in the relationship, as in all the years before we decided to have children. Her breasts, like all milkless breasts, were a fetishistic commodity that we both enjoyed. They served no purpose; they had sufficient exchange value but virtually no use value. We owned them; we took pride in them, and men and children without a pair would have liked to have them. We are not wealthy of course; so we had to labor on with the raw materials nature gave us, and we were both pleased enough, though she frequently found herself fascinated by more marketable models -- such as those advertised on “America’s Next Top Model” or “The Girls Next Door.”

We had a Neon, and she silently fancied a Rolls. Most Americans do. Audi makes the “TT” complete with auto bra for MBA couples, not quite wealthy enough for a luxury Jaguar but who might want, perhaps, a pair of Audi TT’s instead. Myself, sure I like the look of the sleeker faster models, but parking would be a constant worry about that first heart-breaking scratch. And God forbid, the ceaseless terror over vandalism and theft would be paralyzing! So I liked the Neon just fine. Of course I didn’t impress the other guys who had racier models. And my dad and my brothers, well they were polite, but I really wanted them to envy me just slightly.

All forthright men know the greatest commodity value, or what Marx called Exchange Value, of a pair of TT’s or titties is the admiration from other Men we receive when we drive around with them. In fact, the usefulness of the breasts or cars with the greatest exchange value has very little to do with anything. After all, we could squeeze a hot water bottle or leave the car and walk when it comes right down to it. Sure the love of a woman and the feel of her body are both wonderful, but the envy of other men, DAD especially, is, well, sublime.

Then the baby was born and we became Marxists. Not intentionally. We both still hope to return to the capitalist joys of fetishism as soon as possible, but suddenly what once only had exchange value erupted, or leaked as the case may be, with overwhelming USE VALUE. Tits became teats, boobs milk producing machines, breasts merely moving snack wagons. Oh certainly they are wonderfully large and firm, and even worthy of limitless lust, were they mere photographs. But as fully functional food dispensers they no longer have any commodity value at all. Now that the Rolls is parked in the bedroom neither my wife nor I could care less. What once would have had the pinnacle of exchange value now has only use value. The only person allowed to touch them is only hoping these machines of nutrients remain functional, fully functional, at all times. Oh how we look forward – soon – to exchange this Rolls for our old Neon. But our pediatrician told us use value is likely to eclipse exchange value for at least another nine months.

Oh don’t get me wrong, we still engage in our connubial activities, but we both miss the old car a lot. It never leaked a drop!